And there it was: after I had suffered month of month my feelings of love and adoration were disappeard and I felt the most free in my life.

It was autumn when I first met Angela, a waitress in my café I usually joint in at the end of the day, often emotionally overtired. My job wasn´t easy I practised as a psychologist in an organisation for drug-taker, hard stuff to be honest. Angela was new there, I was very familiar with the waiters because of my regular visits, and she was quiet young, twenty-something. I looked in her eyes and there was this strange glittering which fascinated me immediatly. I wished I had never seen her eyes, her face, pale with dark eyes, not very common. It was the regularity of beauty you know it from greek statues, stone and coolness. I took my special place in the corner of the room and couldn´t stop observing her, her hands taking tea- and coffeecups, cake-plates or else, I knew it was really crazy, it would led straight into hell but you know, who ever paid attention to his inner voice when his heart was burning? I was too old, that would have been not the main problem but I also was too serious for her. Her blank face talked of parties, having fun, lots of friends, kidding and never thinking more than necessary. I knew her well even I had seen her the first time. We never would fit together, I was sure and so I tried to become master over my fireheart.

"Hey, what´s that?" She looked full of surprise when she saw the little bearfigure of porcellain in her hand "Well, just a little present because of the lovely day." I had paid and leaving I gave her the figure. I wasn´t able to look back, to give her just a little smile was impossible, there was this fear to see her laugh or mock at me, I wouldn´t have stand it.

The days went by and I couldn´t go to the café. I felt that I had made a perfect fool, like every lover, I was really ashamed of myself. Christmas day came, I went home to see my brother and his family and tried by hard to forget Angela, but like most of the things you try by hard it never works - so in this special case, too. One day my brother asked if there was something I want to overtalk with him but well, would you have spoken with your brother about such a delicate thing like Angela was for me?

January came, I was back but never went to the café. I was still trying to forget her. Then in an emotionally uncontrolled moment I sent a little parcel with a necklace to the café, I didn´t know her complete name nor her adress. It was two or three days later when I couldn´t help myself and went to the café again, full with fear - and hope. Hope? How absurd thinking of hope! i saw her, yes, she was really there, but because of the many people and therefore a lot to do for her, we just shared a glance at each other.

Again a few weeks, again I stopped my visits at the café, again weeks in fear, hope, love, selfhate, anger and unpatience. I didn´t know what I was exspecting perhaps I praid for a miracle or something like that even I didn´t believe in any gods or goddess and never went to church in my life but the thought that from somewhere maybe heaven or so someone may come and solve all my problems and pain was however pittoresque.

I wake up I look around, something has changed, but what? I´m looking out of the window, I feel strong, somewhat strange but full of energy and really surprised I notice that I feel - free (?!) I had a fantastic day at work, I was really successfull and had managed a lot of the work I wasn´t able to do the last weeks and months to my full satisfaction. Content with myself I decided to go to Angela, I was sure to meet her in the café, and overwhelm her and myself with the strongness of the day and my freedom.

Normally I was totally shy, I never brought the words easily over my lips but to be honest I really had changed. I talked to the waiter I hadn´t seen for several times and who recognized me immediatly, we joked a little and when I saw Angela, I invited her to drink a cup of coffee or tea with me as if this was the most normal thing I was used to do. I was really surprised. She looked as if I had said something really cruel and obscene and her face went to express a sudden distance. I heard her words, not really heard them just guessed that she felt insulted, and when I saw deep into her dark black eyes I realized with a sudden pang: There wasn´t any love in my heart, only this immense energy which filled it completely. I was able to smile at her and I could laugh because of my sudden faux-pas. While enjoying my cup of tea I relieved, I had regained liberty and my eyes were again wide open for the world´s beauty, not my heart.