"One will be too much I think, take the half it´ll be enough for you." Dan looked to his friend and immediatly understood. "How clever, then we can have the other half, right?" "Exactly." Thomas and Dan were used in taking soft drugs, they often smoked a joint and knew, where they could get them. The Netherlands were a paradise for them and the last weeks they were nearly every evening stoned. Now they stood in Madelaine´s room, their visit from Belgium, and presented her a really big cookie brought from their trip to Amsterdam. The whole week Madelaine had asked for something like that, she was here as guest student for an intensive course and to be honest, it was not as easy as she had exspected. The whole day she had courses and to be prepared for the next day she had to learn additionaly several hours in the evening. It was hard working and so she longed for something really new and exciting to forget all her troubles.

"What? You really have brought me a cookie?" "We couldn´t hear your sufferings any longer", it was Thomas who said it, half sarcastic half smiling, he himself had taken 2 or 3 together with Dan and couldn´t help giggling and feeling flattered in his stomach, it has an immense effect even though he was practised. Madelaine had no experiences at all and therfore he was curious how it would be for her. "You both are great. Thanks a lot." She took the cookie and broke it in two pieces. "And you are sure, that´ll be enough?" "Yes, you are a beginner and weight not much." Madelaine tasted her half, it was delicious, the chocolate, the crossness, sweet like honey. It was much better than smoking a joint. A few days ago she had tried one from Dan but because she was nonsmoker and couldn´t breath in as necessary it had no effect and was really disgusting. She leaned back in her bed, carefully observed from her two friends, joking and having fun with their last half of a cookie. "What do you think will happen, what if she only fell asleep?" Dan couldn´t answer, the laughter was overwhelmingly.

Madelaine, where are you, you have left your friends, this little room, the town, the country, universe is waiting for you. Your senses never were clearer than now, you see, you hear, you smell, you tast and you feel more than you thought were possible. I hesitate to describe what I see, it´s not spectacular and I don´t want to bother you. The world looks highstructured, I see every line in the wooden bed, I see the different colourshades of the white wall, the thousand glances in Dan´s hair, it´s fascinating, surprising, shocking, I´m afraid but not really. Can´t you feel yourself any more, Madelaine? Havn´t you emotions and thoughts? Where are your goals, aimes, hopes and wishes'? I feel as if I have lost myself completely, everything is unimportant what counts is this single moment in time and location. I´m unable to look forward into the future or back to the past. I´ve lost all normal dimensions, I´m gone, flying away without body and head, there´s nothing but this gigantic feeling of... - independence.

"Hey Dan, look at her, see?" "What´s this, I never saw her like that before d´you mean she´s ill?" They both were worrying when they saw Madelaine, stretched out on her bed, not speaking, not giggling, laughing or jokeing like they used to under the drug effect. "Hey Madelaine, you are all right?" Thomas took her by the shoulders and shook her softly. "Sure I am" There was something like a smile in her eyes. "I feel fantastic, really on top" They changed a look, wondering what´s going on, not knowing what to do with her. "Are you sure you are o.k.?" Thomas insisted sceptically "Of course I am, but please leave me alone"

Closing her eyes she went into a different area where she could forget everything and everybody. She, who always controlled herself with military strength and never was able to forget her selfhate and the strong feelings of guilt, shame and responsibility, she had found a way to get out of the net she normally was caught in: I´m a bird see me fly, I´m free, independent at last, delicious cookies how I like them, how easy to fly, how easy to fall into complete dependence...