"Helen? Is it really you? Here in this country? In this town, at this special place?" It was too late to escape, she had seen me first and as a natural habit of her character immediatly came straight to me, sitting in the shadow of a tree in the gras, reading and sometimes just looking around. I was on holidays in Italy, to be honest I was escaped from the bad english weather into the south, without an exact aim but after some times of lingering around here and there I went to Florenz and now I was nearly 2 weeks in this town I knew from a study travel in college times.
"Susan, that´s Helen, one of my special friends at the college. She was the one who opened my eyes about myself." Oh yes, I did and I gained nothing but hate and rejection and had to accept that the close circle of friends were now and forever shut for me, I was thrown out immediatly and never got the chance to enter again. Well, perhaps that´s not at all correct, I myself never tried to get in closer contact after the desaster, I was too humiliated and ashamed by her demonstration of her powers.
"And that´s Susan, my new love, we met 3 months ago in a museum in Paris and madly fell in love and now we decided to go on some sort of a "marriage travel" and which town could be better for it than Florenz?" She was madly in love, congratulation. In her very typical way of honesty she had shown her happiness and luck directly, with the brutality of a child or a genious not thinking about the feelings of others. She was always so and perhaps this was the speciality that gave her the charm and freshness that attracts everyone she meets.
"Come on Susan, sit down for a while, it´s so fantastic that we met Helen, how long havn´t we seen us?" Over ten years. I looked at her with critical eyes sitting now next to me, talking about her life and former times, Susan next to her, shy and somewhat uncomfortable what I could easily understand, not knowing how to cope with this funny situation. But there was nothing to criticize, she was taller than before, her style of clothing was more elegant but still nonconformal as in our times, her hair always short were now much longer and draped in a node which gave her the impression of strength and power. I myself felt like a child compared with her having not built an exact characterline and being as unsure of myself and the world as before.
"What have you done all the years? And why havn´t you written or telephoned?" Written or telephoned? I was shocked, she had capped all our strings of friendship, had stopped answering my letters in which I had tried to explain or excuse myself. Yes I wasn´t able to write or talk to her after college time, I left town and country and fled, the only way for me to handle pain and conflicts, not very brave, I know. I had studied a bit, had worked, had started different jobs and professions but never had the perseverance to do it longer than 1 or 2 years, then I had to leave again. She talked about her life in these 10 years, about her career, her love affairs, the others from our course and their ways, she was full of life and energy and charming as usual, I never would have exspected her to be like this when we would meet again. A year after college I had seen her downtown shopping with a man on her side, I guessed her friend.
"Oh no, that was only Alex, a neighbour, I always pretended at college that I would marry him, you remember? But well, you were quite right with your guess that I´m a lesbian. And how thankful I must be that you let me see myself as I am." All the years her hateful words had followed me, that I must be crazy even to think such thing about her and how brutal I am and that´s a fault she never would be able to forget and that I had to understand that even normal friendship with me is now completely impossible forever.
"Yes Susan, Helen was my destiny-angel, she awaked me and gave me enough braveness to think about loving a woman. Without her I would be now a very unlucky married woman with perhaps 2 or 3 children and no taste of real love." Susan looked half thankful half suspicious at me and I unwillingly laughed about the absurdity. I was frozen in this moment of her "awakening" as she called it, unable to offer my feelings of love again, frozen in the allmelting sun of Florenz.
"Susan, that´s Helen, one of my special friends at the college. She was the one who opened my eyes about myself." Oh yes, I did and I gained nothing but hate and rejection and had to accept that the close circle of friends were now and forever shut for me, I was thrown out immediatly and never got the chance to enter again. Well, perhaps that´s not at all correct, I myself never tried to get in closer contact after the desaster, I was too humiliated and ashamed by her demonstration of her powers.
"And that´s Susan, my new love, we met 3 months ago in a museum in Paris and madly fell in love and now we decided to go on some sort of a "marriage travel" and which town could be better for it than Florenz?" She was madly in love, congratulation. In her very typical way of honesty she had shown her happiness and luck directly, with the brutality of a child or a genious not thinking about the feelings of others. She was always so and perhaps this was the speciality that gave her the charm and freshness that attracts everyone she meets.
"Come on Susan, sit down for a while, it´s so fantastic that we met Helen, how long havn´t we seen us?" Over ten years. I looked at her with critical eyes sitting now next to me, talking about her life and former times, Susan next to her, shy and somewhat uncomfortable what I could easily understand, not knowing how to cope with this funny situation. But there was nothing to criticize, she was taller than before, her style of clothing was more elegant but still nonconformal as in our times, her hair always short were now much longer and draped in a node which gave her the impression of strength and power. I myself felt like a child compared with her having not built an exact characterline and being as unsure of myself and the world as before.
"What have you done all the years? And why havn´t you written or telephoned?" Written or telephoned? I was shocked, she had capped all our strings of friendship, had stopped answering my letters in which I had tried to explain or excuse myself. Yes I wasn´t able to write or talk to her after college time, I left town and country and fled, the only way for me to handle pain and conflicts, not very brave, I know. I had studied a bit, had worked, had started different jobs and professions but never had the perseverance to do it longer than 1 or 2 years, then I had to leave again. She talked about her life in these 10 years, about her career, her love affairs, the others from our course and their ways, she was full of life and energy and charming as usual, I never would have exspected her to be like this when we would meet again. A year after college I had seen her downtown shopping with a man on her side, I guessed her friend.
"Oh no, that was only Alex, a neighbour, I always pretended at college that I would marry him, you remember? But well, you were quite right with your guess that I´m a lesbian. And how thankful I must be that you let me see myself as I am." All the years her hateful words had followed me, that I must be crazy even to think such thing about her and how brutal I am and that´s a fault she never would be able to forget and that I had to understand that even normal friendship with me is now completely impossible forever.
"Yes Susan, Helen was my destiny-angel, she awaked me and gave me enough braveness to think about loving a woman. Without her I would be now a very unlucky married woman with perhaps 2 or 3 children and no taste of real love." Susan looked half thankful half suspicious at me and I unwillingly laughed about the absurdity. I was frozen in this moment of her "awakening" as she called it, unable to offer my feelings of love again, frozen in the allmelting sun of Florenz.
Eingestellt von inga Am/um
01:24
0 Kommentare:
Kommentar veröffentlichen
Abonnieren Kommentare zum Post [Atom]
<< Startseite