I´ve wasted my whole life looking for a man.
The woman I want to tell you from is nearly 70. Born in the time of fascisme and Worldwar II, in a time wher women´s only aim was to find a man and marry and bring up the children, etc. she had to leave school after 9 years. She wasn´t content with her father´s decision because she liked learning and her grades were the best of the whole class. She fled into work, trying to forget the ashaming fact that she wasn´t able to study. Sure there were men who fell in love and wanted to marry her, but as she didn´t had any responding feelings for them she always denied their proposal. Her father went furious, her mother worried, her younger sister was married earlier, her older brother gave her "good advices" and brought his friends home to pander her. It was a real mess. In the end she tried to find acceptance at work and forgot about the private side of life.
I always think it´s my fault that I´m not married, I´m so full of self-criticism that I couldn´t understand how one was able to love me, I couldn´t believe it. There was a man who loved my smile and the way I looked when I felt ashamed, a man who was only interested in my body, I was a woman and that was enough, a man who thought I was open-minded enough for his cruel sexual habits. They always liked only a facette of me, most of them never had seen all the other sides. I dreamt of a man to whom I would be able to show the whole person and who would be strong enough to stand my darkest sides, too. I never found him.
It was an excuse she tried to believe herself, but in her inner she knew that the real problem was far away from that. She had fallen in love once, she was young and full of emotion, she wanted to share the beauty of the world, her feelings, her heart but the person she loved with the strongness and intensity of a young girl of about 16 wasn´t even able to understand her longings.
Yes, there was some sort of love in my life, but too early it was killed and I never gave it the chance to grow up again. With my feelings and hopes, my dreams and offers I was completely taken aback and I felt so hurt and denied that I lost all my courage to love. Later there were short episodes, a tickle of feeling burning inside again, but I was never again brave enough to offer it directly.
She´ll die alone and without the most important experience of human beings. Perhaps God will forgive her but she never will be able to forgive herself.
I´ve wasted my whole life looking for a man but in my inner I knew that I wanted to find a woman.
The woman I want to tell you from is nearly 70. Born in the time of fascisme and Worldwar II, in a time wher women´s only aim was to find a man and marry and bring up the children, etc. she had to leave school after 9 years. She wasn´t content with her father´s decision because she liked learning and her grades were the best of the whole class. She fled into work, trying to forget the ashaming fact that she wasn´t able to study. Sure there were men who fell in love and wanted to marry her, but as she didn´t had any responding feelings for them she always denied their proposal. Her father went furious, her mother worried, her younger sister was married earlier, her older brother gave her "good advices" and brought his friends home to pander her. It was a real mess. In the end she tried to find acceptance at work and forgot about the private side of life.
I always think it´s my fault that I´m not married, I´m so full of self-criticism that I couldn´t understand how one was able to love me, I couldn´t believe it. There was a man who loved my smile and the way I looked when I felt ashamed, a man who was only interested in my body, I was a woman and that was enough, a man who thought I was open-minded enough for his cruel sexual habits. They always liked only a facette of me, most of them never had seen all the other sides. I dreamt of a man to whom I would be able to show the whole person and who would be strong enough to stand my darkest sides, too. I never found him.
It was an excuse she tried to believe herself, but in her inner she knew that the real problem was far away from that. She had fallen in love once, she was young and full of emotion, she wanted to share the beauty of the world, her feelings, her heart but the person she loved with the strongness and intensity of a young girl of about 16 wasn´t even able to understand her longings.
Yes, there was some sort of love in my life, but too early it was killed and I never gave it the chance to grow up again. With my feelings and hopes, my dreams and offers I was completely taken aback and I felt so hurt and denied that I lost all my courage to love. Later there were short episodes, a tickle of feeling burning inside again, but I was never again brave enough to offer it directly.
She´ll die alone and without the most important experience of human beings. Perhaps God will forgive her but she never will be able to forgive herself.
I´ve wasted my whole life looking for a man but in my inner I knew that I wanted to find a woman.
Eingestellt von inga Am/um
08:31
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