- I´m not sure if you´ll stay and work here more than perhaps a half year.
- You´re more than honest and I can accept your doubts. I myself have nearly the same doubts, but not because of the collegues I´ve to work with, I like the atmosphere here.

She won´t stay, she won´t, it´s like a stupid singsang in my head, I force myself to stop it. I´ve just started here with my work, just arrived from a little town more than 500 km away. Changing my surrounding completely I can´t forget that in my inner I always want to be at home somewhere. Perhaps that´s why my first impression of her signaled me immediatly her difference. Looking in her eyes I feel immense distances and there´s the curiosity of "the other", there´s no explanation I could give for my interest, but an inner voice says I have to hurry, do I know how long we´ll work together?

- Well, I´m not sure if I´ll be able to go to this meeting in April next year, my contract ends in several months and at the moment I don´t see a possibility how to work on here longer.
- No discussion, we need you and we´ll find a solution, there´ll be a prolongation of your contract pretty soon I swear.

Why is he so different now, why has he changed so completely? At the beginning I was surprised by his directness, I felt in some way seen through, but it was easier. Now he always comes several times to me but just for talking, that´s my impression, because his official questions are answered in 2 minutes and he stays much longer, what for?

- Oh hello and good morning, back from holidays? How was it?
- Fine, thank you, by the way there´s a question concerning...
- Alright, just come in later during the day, I´ve a term now and have to hurry, sorry.

How can I hold her, how stopping her fast steps, her inner hurry? I don´t know why I go to her room so often, why I talk to her much longer than necessary, it´s not love I swear, I´m married and have 2 little children, I´m not in a single-situation looking for an affair. I don´t want her to leave and I never was more sure that she will, perhaps must. In this months of our working together she reached a state of familiarity she means in a very special way security and being at home for me. But what if she leaves?

- I have to go, there´s a very unlucky affair with my chief I was forced to give away my professional ethics and that´s impossible for me.
- I knew you would leave us sooner or later, but I honestly hoped to give you some sort of a rest here.
- Thanks, I liked working with you all, but restlessness is in my blood I fear.
- In your eyes, to be correct.

Germany, Hamburg, Bus
- can´t you imagine, I love you!
- I understand, but I don´t
- but why?
- well, feelings can´t be enforced
- is it becaus I´m black?
- no, no, that´s not the point
- well, god has decided that you must become my wife
- but I have no feelings for you
- I love you!

France, Marseille, Underground
- I love you, you´re the woman I want to marry
- I don´t love you
- it is because I´m black
- no, I´ve a lot of black friends
- so why not?
- I can´t
- you´ve a problem with black men?
- no, no, but...

Spain, Barcelona, Parc Guell
- is it becaus I´m black?
- nonsens
- so marry me
- how can I without loving you
- I love you that´s enough
- do you really think so?
- yes, god´s my witness

Germany, Hamburg, little room
It wasn´t possible to communicate with him, he talked nonstop, without hearing my words. I argued against a wall, he was fixed at the point that I didn´t like him because he was black. I hadn´t seen him before, it was the first time we met and he talked of "love", offered me his heart without even knowing me. But now I´m save at home and can read and forget.

France, Marseille, café
It was humiliating to be seen only as a woman. He behaved like an animal during the rut. He gave me a feeling of guilt accusing me I wouldn´t love him because he was black, it was unfair because there are so many factors which must come together before you´ll fall in love and he reduced all to the most unimportant point of his skin-colour. How happy I am that I´ve a friend I can talk to about all this.

Spain, Barcelona, disco
Marriage, partnership, love, how unrealistic in our times, never can I imagine to marry. But how can you explain this to someone who never listen and is filled with the prejudice that you don´t love him because he´s black? He just started the conversation with this gigantic and false thought in his head. Impulsive as he is I guess he will be disappointed again and again and his explanation always will be because he´s black, how easy. I must dance the whole night to calm down a bit.

Let´s try to find a way out of the dilemma. Let´s try to find an answer to the question, which shocks and accuses without reason: After several useless tries of argumentation you´ll just shout: I hate men! Or you can threaten and answer: My friend will kill you! The most successful and resigning way is to lie and agree: Yes!

She met him in a little café. She sat at a table, drinking tea, reading. It was the first time she came here, new in town she was looking for a café which could become her favourite. He went in with his friends, there was no free table any more so they decided to ask her for the free places. Not long and they were talking together and found each other sympathic. Several hours later they went in a pub and went on with beer. It was a lovely evening and he gave her his telephone number. She knew that he had a girlfriend and because his companion was gay and had asked herself she had outed herself easily, so the frontiers were clear: friendship, no love.

He met her in the underground and immediatly felt attracted. He sat down beside her and ignoring her staring out of the window he started talking to her, in english, because he felt more familiar than in german and could express himself easier. He demonstrately showd her his feelings, touching her shoulder and arm, grabbing her hands, etc. She felt quite uncomfortable and there were several stations to her house still left. She felt very sorry for him that his heart had choosen so wrong.

They met several months later, she had telephoned at last and again they went in a little café together and again in a pub later. A lovely evening again, there were enough stuff to talk and a comfortable basis of relaxed conversation-style. She could joke with him like with an older brother, or perhaps more like a younger brother because even he was 2 years older she had the impression of the charming naivity of a child, she enjoyed it. Nevertheless there were moments in the midst of conversation were she caught a dark glance in his eyes she wasn´t able to interpret. Fright and a shiver of panic touched her but she told herself not to be childish, he was only a friend, not more and showed no sign to long for more. Later when they had to go into different directions home he told her that his girlfriend had left him like others talk about a new shirt they bought last week, then they embraced shortly and said good-bye.

The words changed. At the beginning he had "liked" her, she was "sweet" and "funny" and he felt "attracted" and offered "friendship". Now it was "love", an "uncontrollable strong feeling", he was a "human being" just a "man" and she a "woman" and he couldn´t see "why not?" They had reached her home station and she got out, hoping to escape at last but no chance he followed immediatly and didn´t stop his explanations of love and "suffering". Her unwillingness was for him just a sign of "racial suspicion" so he became defiant and in some way agressive: "and why not? Because I´m black? Is it that? But I´m a human being, can´t you see?" "Sure I can, that´s not the problem, but you are a man and I´m not looking for a relationship or love or sex affair or whatever, I´m really not interested, I´m sorry, so sorry."

Another meeting, together they went to a concert from his friends in a little private club. Before they started they had some drinks and talking but she noticed that the conversation wasn´t so fluently and easily as before, often he stopped in the midst of a story or even a sentence and just stared at her as if he had completely forgotten what about they were talking. She tried to ignore it and filled the holes but it was hard work and her doubts grew. She tried to calm herself, that he knew about her homosexuality and must have accepted because they never had talked about love and feelings or relationship and other difficult things later, no intimacy, no deeper questions. A big release for her.

He nearly started crying in front of her, embraced her strongly and told her about the bible and Adam and Eve, that the woman should be the companion of the man and that she had to accept his feelings and handle him with care, etc. Her weak protest that she couldn´t love him in return he ignored completely, it wasn´t important. He had found his woman for life, a woman which attracted him, which he explodingly loved, it was kismet and God´s special will that she should become his woman. She was able to speak english and understood him, she was christian and well, she didn´t love him but it was her duty to develop love to him, wasn´t it? Moment of panic when he grabbed her more hardly and embraced her passionately, trying to free herself she knew that she was psychically killed from love again. "Stop it, go and don´t follow me any more."

During the concert her senses were absorbed by the music, she looked at the musicians, listened and applauded. It was fascinating and she nearly forgot the man beside her, but when she noticed him she felt guilty because she saw something growing in his inner which found way through his eyes and which frightened her deeply. She hoped that there would never be a word about it between them. Late at night, they had to separate, his embracing was much more intense for several seconds she struggled for freedom in his possessing arms squeezing his overwhelming love into her, killing her, as so many men before - without a word.

Tim stood in his little room, there wasn´t much inside, a bed, a chair, a little black wardrobe like a big oppressive box, no carpet, no pictures at the wall, no plants on the windowsill. Friends who had come years ago thought he must become crazy in such a ruinous atmosphere or commit suicide. Well, he wasn´t crazy any more, he once had to stay in a psychiatric clinic for several weeks but that was because of different reasons and definitivly not because of the room´s tristesse. On the contrary, when Tim thought back he always had a queer feeling of familiarity and coming into calm seas by returning at home. It was his home and what others thought or said was nothing.

Tom entered his penthouse in the richest quarter of the town, took a glass of champagne and a spoonful of caviar, kissed his love Corinna and arranged the last grapes on the buffet. His friends would soon arrive, it was his birthday-party and he was extremely excited and a little nervous, too. Although he was really extremely rich and the son of high-born old families he never felt as a "bird in a golden cage", he thought it a stupid phrase just to make oneself interesting. He had friends, real friends and a lovely girl he was passionately in love for nearly 3 years now. There was no reason to blow the pipe of sadness.

Evening, 8 p.m. springtime and bright in the little room. Tim had come home from a long working day at hospital. He helped there for nearly nothing, just a pocket-money. He saw people die there because of cancer after short or long periods of treatment, strong therapies which weaken the patients and brought them near death. He saw their struggle, their hopes, their tryings of escape from the illness, but often, to be honest nearly in every case, death won and took them with him. Old people between 60 and 80 or even older and young people of 30, 20 or just children.

The first guests arrived with loud shouting, singing "happy birthday" and laughing. They congratulated Tom heartily and went into the party-room for dancing or in the other rooms for talking and eating. It was a light and relaxed atmosphere and Tom and Corinna went on dancing a calm blues, embracing each other and gliding away in the upper sphere of lover´s heaven. Normally he felt responsible for his friend´s comfort and offered drinks and food all the time but today he knew that it wasn´t necessary, they were his friends no strangers or business-men, he never had felt it more deeply and it made him blissful. There was Corinna in his arms, her body, her hair, her smile and her eyes, he couldn´t help being thankful, what a privileg, what kismet.

10 p.m. Tim had learned for his studies, he would have most of the exams in several months and the stuff to learn and to know was a lot. He hate himself for being so unconcentrated, lazy and without motivation. He studied jura for getting a job later and being able to earn money, but it wasn´t what he liked. He felt like denying his inner and burning down his dreams and visions. Everyone he thought in such moments have a special ability and he is sent on earth to let it grow, like in the bible the story with the talents you mustn´t bury. Sadness heavy as stone fell over him.

Tom had slept with Corinna in one of the little secret rooms, he was somewhat drowsy and dizzy from the champagne. Corinna slept beside him, he looked at her and seing her smile became all of a sudden soft and melancholic. What had life more to offer than love and beauty and what else could he demand. He was even at the beginning of his life but he felt quite old and experienced. Life had given him mor of its sweetest fruits than others but was there anything he could give back in return? What were his qualities and abilities to give him the right to see all this?

Tim painted a picture, his way to flee sadness and find a way out of thoughts of suicide and despair. Out of the colours grew a man in a garden, it was a lovely garden full of green and sunshine and other people reading or talking together. And in this idyllic scene he killed himself with a revolver.

Tom was found next morning. The music high above in the penthouse was too loud to hear the pang of his revolver. The garden was flooded with morning sunshine.