- what are you doing on sunday?
- oh, I don´t know yet
- what about going to a café?
- yes, why not

He was really surprised about himself, it wasn´t his habit to ask someone to do something with him, he thought himself too old for such stuff. 38 was an age where you have wife and family or have decided to stay alone. And now this question, this "rendez-vou" on sunday, he was nervous, excited and anxious, what would happen, what could happen maybe?

Why had she said yes, hasn´t she learned from all the other failures? Man is man, always the same. It was late when she came home from his home, after the tea and later dinner at the café he had invited her to go to him to meet his cat and look at his new picture they had talked of. It wasn´t far and just on her way home so she again said yes, so or so it wasn´t an awful evening.

- at first I thought it could be an interesting evening, I knew him from work and he always was very helpful and patient when I came with all my questions. I was new and he had the experiences, so I wanted to learn from him
- and then? why wasn´t it nice?
- at first I found it interesting when he told about his work, his experiences, the life with his friends, the other jobs he does at the week-ends
- but?
- but it was as always, I slipped into the role of the good listener and "adorer" and became smaller and smaller
- he is older than you?
- yes, nearly 10 years, but that´s not the problem, it´s more the habit that men always think they had to teach you
- so you feel like a child?
- exactly and the worst I react like one, I´m more careless and demonstrativly naiver than I am used to be

The 2nd meeting was a catastrophe: she came late, he was furious, she played once more the child´s role he told exactly the same old stories about his friends, jobs, etc. She had the impression to see the mating season ritual of a cock, he was high above proudly presenting himself as a "superman" and didn´t even notice that again she said at most two sentences the whole evening long.

- what are you doing at the week-end?
- I don´t know yet
- what about making a tour with the bicycles?
- a third meeting? Heaven help! Better not arrange!
- but didn´t you enjoy it?

I was here, sitting in an old sofa and waiting, but there were noone else as usual. I had hoped that several time later other people would arrive, perhaps only 3 or 4, but nobody, that wasn´t what I´d exspected. Well, to be honest I had feared it, there was this strange feeling to be at the wrong time at the wrongest place you can imagine. I should be were all the others were, outside, in the sun, perhaps swimming in the lake nearby, diving and puddling and having a lot of fun, but my place was here in the dark cave of my humble body. Even if he tries to be on my service I hate him, it´s the 2nd enemy I have after myself. How can others live in peace with themself just staying calm and in harmony with the whole world.

"Hey my dear, what are you sitting here, alone in your room? Come on, go out to the others, fresh air and sun will destroy all your depressing thoughts, come on, out, out, running around the fields and in the near forrest and you´ll be someone else."

I hate her voice, this sharp thrilling sound, isn´t it enough that I had to obey? I don´t like going out, I enjoy sitting here, having time for thinking, time for the really important things life has to offer. There are so many questions about life in generell, about love and death and about this thing called solitude. Most of us never have the courage to search for answers, they ignore that being alone sometimes or most of the time is a fact. Perhaps you are more interested in this theme when you´ve a lot of experience. When I´m looking back I never was a certain member of a group, I learned by hard what it means to be an outsider. They couldn´t explain why they were suspicious, some said it was because of my adult language use, but that´s really stupid. The only reason I for myself could guess is my strong interest in asking questions about nearly everything and thinking about death and destruction.

- oh look, Mr. black is coming.
- why "Mr. black"?
- I see, you´re new here, it´s his nickname, everyone gets one after a time, even an outsider like him.
- an outsider?
-yes, he´s always in thoughts and I´m sure he´s not able to cooperate in a group, that´s a catastrophe to be honest.
- why?
- oh, like to be an outsider, too?
- no, but...
- he´s questioning the whole day long - like you!
- what about?
- hell, shut up, I don´t know, about love, hate, friendship, the green of the grass and the trees, the water in the lake and so on and so on
- and about death?
- of course about death, but now, just to please me, be quiet.
- o.k.
- what about a run to this large chestnuttree over there?

The most awful days are the ones when strangers come. They walk all around, looking here and there, being curious and penetrant. I always try to hide myself somewhere, but it doesn´t work always. Suddenly they stand near the door and look to the sofa where I normally sit and think. There´s this suspicious look in their eyes, sometimes pity or a glance I can´t put in its proper place. I´m full of fear and anxiety is growing in my inner. I´m really reliefed when they are gone.

- Hanna, I say it definitivly, we´ll never find a new home for him.
- wait, wait honey, he isn´t as bad as people think who see him for the first time.
- he is crazy!
- no, only very special, you have to become familiar with his personality, then you´ll start liking him
- I never will like him I promise!
- Shhh, don´t shout like that, he is very sensitive
- oh my god, you´re as crazy as he
- never mind, if we don´t find someone for him, he´ll stay here.
- and all the others?
- well, one dog more or less won´t be a problem.