Is this really the town I lived in for 3 years? The longest time I ever stayed at one place? I´m here waiting for something or someone, I don´t know exactly what I exspect but there´s nothing.

Nothing at the college I studied so long. I walk through the building surprised and astonished, it looks strange after the years of being away, I hardly recognize the rooms where we sat, student by student, heads deep on our papers, writing everything down the teacher said in the first semester, writing hardly nothing down in the last. There are still teachers I know, older now but doing exactly the same in exactly the same way as in our times.

Nothing in the streets I so often wander along that I nearly could walk through them with closed eyes, noone I know, noone I even want to know. The shops are the same, the book-shop I often went in just to destroy myself, to read into the new books when I had time between two courses or during lunch-time. There´s the music-shop where I bought piano-notes for my sister and there´s the shoe-shop, I never bought shoes there but I liked to look at these really strange shoe-models I never would be able to wear.

Nothing in the café where I was so often in the evenings after a long day, drinking my cup of tea there and observing the other guests. There are still many guests there, some quite interesting to watch at but I´m a stranger here, except the waiters noone knows me. There´s not the happiness about the "lost son´s return", no friends waiting for me, I´m alone, what am I doing here?

This is the town I lived in for 3 years, a real long time, lifetime which never will come back again, and I´ve exspected to feel something when I return after years elsewhere. I´m a fool, a dreamer, don´t I remember the time there? I was a stranger when I lived here, I am a stranger now, nothing has changed, how could it, I never had friends here, so nobody can wait for me now. I dreamt of "home" but I know I´ll never find it, I hardly know what this word means. I´m awaken in the crispy coolness of reality and there´s nothing.

Would I be able to love again, after years and years of solitude? I had killed my feelings because love always was pain and failure for me. I had tried 2 or 3 times when I was young between 16 and 22, the last was the worst and I sweared never to fall in love again.

Would I be able to love again? The girl over there in the train attracts my attention. She isn´t really beautiful, but her eyelashes are extremely long and so the eyes have a special charme. I look at her but there aren´t any feelings except a certain interest which you also have when you observe an exotic animal. Her handy rings, she´s really embarrassed and looks apologizing to the other people around. When our eyes met I smile understandingly and she answers with her little laugh. And there´s this strange feeling that I like to laugh with her, a flutter in the stomach a tickle and the absurd thought how it might be to share our laughs.

Would I be able to love again? I´m in a café, on the table next to me 3 girls, talking. I look, how would it be to flirt with one, and which one would I choose? It´s a sort of a game, one is really pretty I judge neutral without any feelings. Her hair is short and blond, she has a dominant style of speaking, behaving, yes I like it and there´s strength in her upright sitting and gesturing. How would it be to touch her, to finger through her short hair? Feeling her skin? For long there´s no chance to keep her eyes but then she shockes me with a directly stare at me and throws me into a short time of intimacy and nearness and there´s this feeling again: wanting to laugh with her.

Would I be able to love again? There´s this girl on the street, hopping around, waving her hair, laughing about something I don´t know what. A man on her side, holding her hand, looking down at her in a protecting and adoring way. Could I imagine to be on his position, holding her hand, being a couple of love? I follow them, concentrating on her long brown hair, it reminds me of summer and wind at the north sea, freedom, games of lightness. She looks back, seing me she winks with an eye, laughing, I think of a young foal, frolicsome. I smile back, there´s tenderness between us, just for a second and I´d like to laugh with her for the rest of my life.

I must answer No. There are still moments when I think "sure I can" feeling quite strong and filled with loving energy, but the moments will become more and more rare, I havn´t the power any more, too many years of cooling down my burning heart has shown an effect: I´m psychically crippled there´s no chance.

But there´s still the longing for a person coming along, laughing with me and the end of this endless asking myself: Would I be able...

I´ve wasted my whole life looking for a man.

The woman I want to tell you from is nearly 70. Born in the time of fascisme and Worldwar II, in a time wher women´s only aim was to find a man and marry and bring up the children, etc. she had to leave school after 9 years. She wasn´t content with her father´s decision because she liked learning and her grades were the best of the whole class. She fled into work, trying to forget the ashaming fact that she wasn´t able to study. Sure there were men who fell in love and wanted to marry her, but as she didn´t had any responding feelings for them she always denied their proposal. Her father went furious, her mother worried, her younger sister was married earlier, her older brother gave her "good advices" and brought his friends home to pander her. It was a real mess. In the end she tried to find acceptance at work and forgot about the private side of life.

I always think it´s my fault that I´m not married, I´m so full of self-criticism that I couldn´t understand how one was able to love me, I couldn´t believe it. There was a man who loved my smile and the way I looked when I felt ashamed, a man who was only interested in my body, I was a woman and that was enough, a man who thought I was open-minded enough for his cruel sexual habits. They always liked only a facette of me, most of them never had seen all the other sides. I dreamt of a man to whom I would be able to show the whole person and who would be strong enough to stand my darkest sides, too. I never found him.

It was an excuse she tried to believe herself, but in her inner she knew that the real problem was far away from that. She had fallen in love once, she was young and full of emotion, she wanted to share the beauty of the world, her feelings, her heart but the person she loved with the strongness and intensity of a young girl of about 16 wasn´t even able to understand her longings.

Yes, there was some sort of love in my life, but too early it was killed and I never gave it the chance to grow up again. With my feelings and hopes, my dreams and offers I was completely taken aback and I felt so hurt and denied that I lost all my courage to love. Later there were short episodes, a tickle of feeling burning inside again, but I was never again brave enough to offer it directly.

She´ll die alone and without the most important experience of human beings. Perhaps God will forgive her but she never will be able to forgive herself.

I´ve wasted my whole life looking for a man but in my inner I knew that I wanted to find a woman.

It must be really lonesome at the top of the hierarchical pyramide, she always thought when her boss told her something unspectacular just to get in contact with her. With her! a subordinate worker nearly at the bottom of the hierarchical - and financial - system. She never was brave enough to start the conversation or ask something, he was so high above and always seemed so occupied with really important things. But today her view had changed a little and in some way she felt sorry for him.

Who is she, he thought on his way home. It was late - as usual, he had worked long, it was not easy to come to an end and he forgot to watch the clock. His family would be furious, and they were right, it wasn´t o.k. that a father of two children always came home so late. He knew they would wait with the dinner but that wasn´t the point, he would see the accusation in their eyes and later in bed his wife would ask him about his day and work. And he wouldn´t be able to speak with her and tell her about all the problems. He always finds it difficult explaining what he does the whole day long or telling just simple happenings, there are so many during the day. He thought about this woman in his team, she was new and very silent, never she said something in his presence, only when he asked her, but her eyes were open and friendly, he always thought that they say "welcome, why don´t you come in?"

It was time to go home, she was late, hadn´t watched the clock, the work had held her attention, now she closed the windows, computer, copy-maschine, lights out. In came her boss, not seing her, going straight into his own room. "Can I close the door or do you still have to work inside?" She asked him hesitately. He looked up from his papers and stared for a moment at her "well, I´d like to go now, but when you stay...?" What should she do, it was an awfully painful moment. At least he pointed to the papers he carried and at once started telling her the story of a client and his special case and problem. Suddenly he stopped, looked quite unsure. She felt that he liked to go on but didn´t know if she would like to hear it. The second she just opened her mouth for asking him to go further he went back to his room, plunging the papers on his desk and went, the moment of intimacy was over.

What a fool I am, he thought enerved. You havn´t the right to disturb the woman´s normal life. It must be shocking for her, I´m her boss. I´m always so disciplined, noone can blame me that I take advantage of my collegues, in contrary. But her silent eyes encouraged me to speak, the words slipped out of my mouth against my will. But I mustn´t do it again, it´s weakness.

If he wouldn´t be my boss, I am sure we would become close friends, his personality is similar to mine, his way of working and thinking is quite familiar for me. But I know there´s no possibility to find a way to him, he´ll call it weakness, exactly as I would do in his position.

- sure she´ll stay how can she go, now when they offered her a complete fulltime-job
- and I say she´ll leave us after this half year
- but how can you know?
- I don´t know exactly but I´ve that strong feeling about
- perhaps you´re wrong

Most of the crew don´t even think about the possibility that I could leave them, they are so proud of their firm and their town and everybody who had come during the years were happy when he could stay - I´m not. I want to go straight away as soon as possible, there´s nothing which can held me back, nothing. I never promised to do this work until the end of my life and this town, well, I like it but there are still so many others I don´t know.

I don´t want her to leave, I like her, but why is there this strange feeling that she had to go? Are there any signs which make me believe it? Yes there are. At first I didn´t notice it but then I pricked up my ears: she never said "yes" or "I hope" when someone spoke from the possibility to work here after her internship, she smiled and the only thing she was able to add was a "we´ll see" or "it´s still long till then". I made some sort of a trap, when I announced by the way that she would leave us perhaps and what "drama" would happen, but she still smiled and said "let´s wait and see, there´s no decicion at all."

- don´t you feel happy about the whole affair?
- you mean that she´ll stay?
- yes, so your feeling was wrong in the end.
- no, not wrong but I havn´t exspected that she would sacrifice herself so easily.
- what do you mean with "sacrifice"?
- look into her eyes, they are extinct she has denied herself by staying.
- you always overreact, I´m really content how the damn question about all this documentation stuff is right out of my way.
- shure for all of us it´s the most convenient solution.

Why did I say "yes", why did I stay, why didn´t I go, it´s the wrongest thing I ever did, I´ll kill myself sooner or later. I need fresh air, but how can I go, now, when everything is clear and everybody tells me how "useful" I am, ridiculous.

- so I heard you´ll stay?
- well, I like the town
- other towns are nice, too
- yes, that´s right
- (lowering the voice) you have to go, it´s unhealthy for you to stay, escape when it is still possible
- but...
- no "but", I myself was exactly in the same situation as you are years ago. I made the biggest mistake of my life and staid, now I often ask myself why and what for. They´ll break your wings, so fly away when you´re still able to fly.