Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity

I don´t know where I discovered this aphorism, but it seems to be quite to the point. For me it´s a mystery how you can suppose, that with violence you can create peace. Violence and war and terrorism must not be legal means in our days. And peace is too valuable to be destroyed from "the upper 10.000".

That´s why I´ll try to create peace from bottom-up. I want to build an alliance, without any big idealistic background, without needing the same values and views, just on the basis, I don´t want to kill.

Based on idealistic values any government tries to make us believe, I should go into a country I don´t know, kill people who never did me any bad personally and in all probability die without developing my real skills and talents?

Based on idealistic values, religious leaders, my surrounding, my family tries to make me believe, I should defend my country, which cannot give me work, security, future, explode myself and kill people I don´t know and die with this tiny little hope to land in paradies although I perhaps liked much more to have a little paradies here?

Based on idealistic values I grew up with, I should exactly know what´s right and what´s wrong, who´s good and who´s evil, what I have to do and what I mustn´t do and to defend this values with methods which are in very different systems of ideas and views equally bad and disgusting except when they are against the "enemy".

I needn´t "love" my fellow men, we needn´t be friends, maybe I hate them, but I needn´t attack and kill them. If only this little common denominator could be accepted by everyone, we would be a really big step forward.

For us imperfect people it´s more than we could handle to love our fellow and to hold the other cheek out to him. And overtax makes us furious. And in our rage and disappointment that we are not so perfect and nobel-minded we wanted to be we rage blindly around like a little defiant child who felt driven into a corner. We have to come out of this emotionally trap.

Guns down hands up

Let us see our helplessness and show it in an understanding gesture. Let´s go of, let´s free us from the dictation of apparent strength. Let us lead from this single and categorial wish I don´t want to kill and let´s form an alliance of peace across the borders and beyond all ideological ideas and views.

love

love´s a ship
saves the uniquates from sea
giving them a place to breath
food they havn´t tasted before
a drink from paradise
sleep of embraced bodies

we find together at the boat
we share our loneliness
we struggle for a future we never want
we hope
maybe we dream
and the white flocks called illusion
always between us

the canoe leaks
the paddle broken
which way, we don´t know
the water´s coming
separating the bodies

I feel the coldness
our hands still together, not accepting
poor canoe, broken
no longer an island
far far away I see you
fighting with the waters - like myself

love banishs

dark thoughts shine
heavy worries fly
lifes´burden´s gone

my head bursts
my heart opens
my soul relaxes

with you I breath
with you hell´s invisible
let´s magic the world
and I see you come
and smile

world changed

heat of the rain
flowers explode
dogs smile
trees burn

kiss of the sun
houses dance
tables sing
cars fly

I´m running
I´m jumping
we´re laughing

I´m living
I´m dying
together with you

together

walking home
speaking about work
discussing problems
bodies together

similar ideas
similar intellect
similar argueing-power
minds together

hearing your breath
the same heartbeat
blushing faces
souls together

you and I
together

emptyness

how can I tell you the pain
how can I describe
what it means
to see you drifting off

can I tell you
can I explain
why it means pain for me
that you are going away

I tell you
I try to explain
that your falling in love again
makes the distance unbridgeable
and my smile froze

And there it was again: this strong and overwhelming power, coming from nowhere and taking her nobody will know to which areas of live.

She was young, under 20, just had started studying literature when it began: She was visiting Germany for 2 weeks, beginning with Frankfurt, the city where her grandparents were still living, going on to Marburg, where her german penpale studied literature like her. Anne took her to university and she went to courses with her. There was the need to speak german and although she had learned it nearly 5 years she had difficulties to express exactly what was in her mind. She had no problems in understanding and following the conversation but asked to discuss with them she felt helpless like a little child, looking for the right words and even if she found out she couldn´t be satisfied because the others had to be very patient to follow her word-for-word and sentence-pause-sentence expression and she was worrying if they were bored of her. Anne told her they weren´t but how could she be sure?

- Hey Susan, your german is much more better than it was at the beginning of your stay here, I´m surprised how fast you´ve learned
- oh no Anne, you´re just kidding, aren´t you?
- no no, I´m totaly serious. Haven´t you this feeling by yourself?
- well yes, I started dreaming in german (they both laugh) and there was no other possibility to communicate
- oh, that´s really unfair, there were a lot of students who started conversation with you in english, it was you who switched immediatly to german explaining that you wish to practice and train your german skills
- o.k. you´re right, but now I´m a little afraid of going back to England and only hearing and speaking english. There is the wish to go on with german, for example by reading german books or newspapers, hearing german radio, but I´m not sure if I´ll manage it
- I´m sure you will, you´ve surprised all my friends with being so strict in staying in german even if you had difficulties finding a special word or expression, it would have been the easierst way to express it in english and see if the others may understand you
- well, it´s different, because here I´m in a german surrounding, everybody speaks german, all is written in german, english is very rare and I myself speaks german all the time, my thoughts are inficized with the german language and I´ve difficulties to switch to english when telephoning with my grandparents or writing cards to english friends and my family
- then you can train by writing very long and interesting german letters to me? (they smile)
- oh yes, of course I´ll write, perhaps my only chance?

At first she hadn´t noticed the change, she went back to England, speaking english, but reading more and more german books and newspapers and writing german for herself in her diary. It was like a drug for her, she needed this foreign language to escape from her life, from the situation she found herself in which she felt was more and more terryfying for her. Yes, she liked literature, she liked reading, she always had read a lot of books since she had learned reading at school, it was a separate world for her and she often went in when reality was bad and discomforting. But now she had to analyse the structure of books, the arrangements the author had made and find an explanation why he had done it like this why he had wrote it as he has and not different. It was awfully annoying she hated it and saw no sense in it. She hated the attitude of her teachers to explain things they were not able to explain at all and pretending that they have eaten knowledge with big spoons. It was this what let she think that her decicion to study literature might be wrong. The wish of doing something totally different grew in her but there was no idea what would have pleased her more than books and reading and escaping in other worlds created by the phantasie of an author who was perhaps in a similar position as herself and tried to find out alternatives by writing stories. In this big confusion about her studies came this german aspect, the feeling of being a totally different person by switching to speak and think german.

Dear Anne,
have you ever heard about a person, who changed completely into another person when speaking in different languages? I just have the feeling that there is a strong power which led me I myself am only the medium or the "bottle". There is an english Susan and a german Susan, and it split myself completely. The last few weeks I stayd personally in german, thinking and speaking to myself german, when, at the same time, the english Susan acted and reacted in reality and spoke english as she had to. I could see and hear her but there was no contact between my german self and this english-speaking body. I hate my language I´ve spoken in this vocabulary-pott all my life and I´m fond of it. Speaking german I feel new and fresh, the language is still able to surprise me, for example by hearing a single unknown word, its sound, trying to catch the meaning of it, trying to find out how it is used, the different meanings depending on the context, how you pronounce it and to whom you speak. I love this uncertainty, like developing a new country, a city you´ve never seen before and becoming more and more familiar by practising it. I´m just in the stadium of a child who learned how to speak, every day it hears new words and had to find out meaning, use and context meaning. Have you similar feelings and thoughts with english perhaps? I would be glad to hear from you soon, you are at the moment the only anchor to native german I have. so please don´t let me alone in my confusion and splittering.

- You remember Susan, the english girl I took to university last summer?
- sure I do, she consequently spoke german and there was no chance to practise my english (he laughs)
- well, I think she take german to escape from herself
- what do you mean?
- I mean she has the hope to become another person by speaking another language
- how funny
- no, not funny but tragic, imagine yourself searching for a better reality in a foreign language
- a better world?
- she tried to explain it I´m not quite sure if I understood her right, but for her german is something like a costume which changed her personality completely
- for me learning and speaking a foreign language is just functual for being able to communicate with other people, I´m not changing or being different
- I know, but how can we help her to accept herself and accept her language?
- perhaps she should live here for a while and experience her "german I", to find out if it is really better or more interesting than her english one. she could study here for a semester or two.
- good idea, I´ll write her soon

I´m loosing myself more and more. I´m here now for nearly a year, speaking and hearing and thinking german all the time. The power is strong and I´ve nothing to defend myself against it. There´s only a tiny little english Susan but the german Susan is only a little bit bigger and still tiny like a child. At university they say that my german skill is really surprisingly good but what does this mean? I´m a foreigner and everything I would say in german will surprise because english speaking persons they don´t exspect even the will to speak the language of the country. I can express myself quite well, I can discuss and argue in the courses and make clear my point of view. Perhaps I still need more time to find a word sometimes but in general I´m nearly equal to the other students. I feel respected with my ideas and opinions and accepted personally. I´ve friends to talk with and friends to have a lot of fun on parties or week-end-activities. But I´m not satisfied at all, there´s something which frightened me a power I can´t describe or even find words for it, neither in english nor in german.

Doctor Burton looked up when he saw Susan running along the aisle, again and again, bewildered face, arms high in the air, not speaking, just trying to shout out something but having no words as it seems. He had tried to get in contact with her, again and again. Hearing that she had language troubles which disturbed herself he tried it in english, french, german, even collected his few spanish-skills but never reached her. There were some trials, he could see how hard she fought against the power in herself who wouldn´t let her speak, she smashed her head against the doors and walls, she ran, she injured herself for making an entrance where people from outside may come in, but she hadn´t words any more. There was no reason why but Dr. Burton was sure that she would be born sooner or later in another language, they just had to wait and give her the time she would need. Her soul had to find a language that suits her perfectly and if she wouldn´t find one he was sure she would create one, perhaps the language of freedom, hope and love, a language to change the whole world.